Recently, I had the opportunity to chat with Taylor B. Jones, author of “The Sugar Daddy Formula” and founder of TheSugarDaddyFormula.com. Ms. Jones, along with her sugar daddy Rich, were recently featured on the debut episode of “This Is Life” with Lisa Ling on CNN.
C.J. Asher – What made you first interested in the ‘sugaring’ lifestyle?
Taylor B. Jones – I was dating an older man who lied to me about his age. I was dating him for about a year or so. The way I found out was when we were traveling and we went through Canada. We had to pull out our ID’s at that time. I was in the car and I was just like “let me see your mugshot” off your ID. His whole demeanor just changed; he was a whole different person. I was like “okay, you’re creeping me out,” so he pulled over and he had to tell me the truth that he had lied to me about my age. I responded with “why did you have to lie to me about your age? You could’ve been open and upfront with me at the beginning,” but I still felt deceived. I confided in a girlfriend and she asked me “what is he doing for you?” I didn’t really know what she meant, so I’m like “well, he’s doing what a normal guy would when you’re dating someone. When we go out he would pay for things, since we’re in a relationship we’re intimate.” She said “no, what is he doing for you?” And then she goes, “well, he’s enjoying your youth and you should benefit just the same.” That led me to write “How To Ask For What You Want,” which was the catalyst for everything. I was a sugar baby and didn’t even know I was. As I found out more about this world, I became obsessed with it. The more that I researched, I realized that there wasn’t that much information out there. I’m no model, I’m no celebrity, I’m not a reality star. The books that are out there about this lifestyle are focused around models. Leidra Lawson wrote a book, “Sugar Daddy 101,” and she’s a model. Then there was Baje Fletcher with “A Gold Diggers Guide,” she’s a model with videos and everything like that. Then there was Alicia Dunams with “Goal Digger,” she’s a model. They had stories that a person couldn’t realistically apply to themselves. I came up with a formula that worked great for me and which I share with others. By utilizing business tactics, human behavior and marketing, if you can sell yourself to others in such a way that they want to help you, that’s amazing to me.
C.J. Asher – How do you define the ideal arrangement relationship between a sugar daddy and a sugar baby; one that is mutually beneficial to both parties?
Taylor B. Jones – When both are up front with their needs. It’s a little bit of a game at first just because what sugar babies want and what sugar daddies are seeking are two different things. It’s how well a person can actually communicate. Sugar daddies are men and men aren’t going to change so it falls on the sugar baby to speak his language in a way so he’s setting up the relationship based on what he’s seeking, but in a way that allows that sugar daddy to WANT to provide things for her. Within this lifestyle there’s so many types of relationships that develop. If a person is just upfront, it saves a lot of time, especially that girl who is seeking that allowance, so to speak. With her, she’s seeking someone to give her money. With men, and within this lifestyle, you have men who say, “you know what, I’m looking for that same type of arrangement.” But if (the sugar baby) comes across a traditional guy, it’s never going to work because they want two different things and that sugar daddy wants to provide it in different ways. If they’re open with it at the beginning, it makes an easier transition for building that foundation of that relationship.
C.J. Asher – What skills and traits, either inherent or learned, do you feel the best sugar babies possess? What makes them adaptable, fit into the role and be what their sugar daddies want or need?
Taylor B. Jones – I think that a lot of women are clueless about the traits they possess to make this lifestyle work for them because it’s about having an understanding of what you want. A lot of times sugar babies don’t know what they want. They don’t know how to ask for what they want to get it. If sugar babies have a better understanding of the type that they are, it allows her a better way to attract her ideal guy.
C.J. Asher – How do you respond to critics who claim that being a sugar baby is akin to being a prostitute? Obviously, there are some preconceived notions when you have an older man with a lot of money who is courting a much younger, attractive woman. How would you respond to that?
Taylor B. Jones – Well, with a prostitute that’s her job. She’s selling sex in exchange for money; that’s exactly what it is. With a sugar baby, she’s the type of woman who’s seeking more than love; she wants what that sugar daddy stands for, whether it’s mentorship, his assistance with financial generosity or that disposable income. That sugar daddy is looked at as having a higher form of wealth than the average man. She wants more of an emotional connection, and the same thing goes for the man. He doesn’t want something so “black and white.” That’s what makes it different from a prostitute because it’s an actual relationship that’s developing. With that prostitute it’s not; he can’t call her and be like “hey, how’s your day going?” She’s going to charge you for that so there’s a big difference (laughs).
C.J. Asher – I’m sure that you’ve done a ton of research into the sugar daddy/sugar baby lifestyle. I know, in your book, you highly recommend websites to find sugar daddies. What do you find are the major drawbacks to many of the arrangement websites that are out there?
Taylor B. Jones – To work out better, it’s in two parts. First, it’s educating what this lifestyle is about. The drawback of this lifestyle is that it allows everyone to come in. Just like with those prostitutes on CraigsList, when the exotic section was shut down, they needed a form of income coming in so they went to the dating sites. Men who are wanting to sleep with a person for a sure thing come to these websites. That’s the drawback, they just allow anyone to come in and it’s hard to monitor. Having a better system where it’s verifiable would be great but the reality is that it’s not going to happen. If you’re a man who actually has wealth, you wouldn’t reveal so much of your personal information to a dating site. If I was in the top 5% I certainly wouldn’t. That’s the major drawback: it just basically becomes a site where it’s glorified in selling a lifestyle and it makes it very attractive to a woman, especially a young woman who comes across a site such as Seeking Arrangement and they think, “hey, basically you’ll find a guy who will pay for your tuition.” If I’m a young woman, and I come across that, I’d rather date a guy who is going to pay for my tuition than date a guy my own age who is basically just going to use me for his sexual object and have nothing to give me in return as far as a relationship. So why not go that route?
C.J. Asher – One of my greatest difficulties I had, for the brief period in the past when I was a sugar daddy, was meeting sugar babies with a ‘me-me-me-me-me’ mentality: trying to get the most money out of a sugar daddy while offering very little in return (for example, asking for more money after we had set the arrangement, pity stories, emergencies, rushing to start the arrangement on the first date when I wanted to simply meet over dinner and discuss the arrangement, etc.). How do you address the issue of reciprocating and being generous themselves with your sugar baby clients?
Taylor B. Jones – That was part of the main reason that I wrote “The Sugar Daddy Formula.” It was to turn a woman, based on your situation, into the kind of sugar baby that a man would WANT to date. The misconception with this lifestyle is that women going on these sugar daddy dating sites feel entitled. The issue is, we need the cooperation of (the sugar daddy) in order to get what we want. I show a woman how to cultivate the right, meaningful relationship for her in which both parties are happy. That woman who you’ve experienced this with, who wanted to start the arrangement on the first date, normally she can be a hooker; let’s just call it what it is. If she is truly interested in getting to know you and understanding, just from your conversation in one date, the type of man that you are, she can create an amazing sugar daddy experience in which you would be glad to provide her what she wants because of how she makes you feel. That’s the issue of a disconnect: sugar babies want what they want, sugar daddies have their needs. There is that disconnect, but it’s how a sugar baby approaches this. It’s not like we’re here to drain a man’s wallet, not at all. When I talk to a lot of women, when they come to me saying “Taylor, I need to find a guy because I need help with bills” or “I want to open up my own business” or they’re just seeking “X” amount of dollars. That “X” amount of dollars means something to that woman. It’s not like she’s expecting to become the unexpected hooker or sell herself or be used as a commodity. It’s either that she never had that father figure in her life; she could’ve had a bad marriage or bad relationship and she wants a man that just treats her like a princess or who says “hey, you know what, let’s go out and do those things” or “here’s a little bit of help.” But that woman who is approaching it based on your experience, she doesn’t have an idea or the concept of how to make this lifestyle work where it is mutually beneficial for both. That’s what I try to educate women about. She can create an awesome connection with someone just like I have in my own relationship and even with Rich, my sugar daddy who I was interviewed with on CNN. I’ve had this relationship for over ten years. Sometimes I ask him “why do you do the things that you do for me?” and he’s just like, “well, it’s how you make me feel.” If a woman can tap into that, it will make it a more enjoyable relationship for both.
C.J. Asher – In reading through your book, I know you offer a lot of advice about setting up the online profies, everything from the headline to the content to the pictures. In chapter 8, you recommend meeting potential sugar daddies outside of the online experience such as charity events, wine tastings, business district bars, etc. What would the sugar baby say to strike up the ‘sugaring’ topic to her potential sugar daddy and see if he’s open to an arrangement?
Taylor B. Jones – Well, some men don’t like to have the label as a ‘sugar daddy.’ It’s like “I’m not just an ATM that you can just come and ask me for money or see me as that.” Just like from that experience you had. Sugar daddies are still men and her value with a man is the connection she has with him. An average sugar baby isn’t going to make those other places work for her. I’m up front with a lot of women because she’s not savvy enough to mix and mingle in different social settings. If she can’t do that, she can learn it. She has to self-evolve, to put herself in different places to attract her ideal type of man. She would treat it as any different type of dating site: she’ll approach him, be charming and develop a relationship. With the right connection, she can open up a world that was invisible before with a man not knowing that she will become her sugar daddy. It’s a different approach.
C.J. Asher – Let’s flip the coin for a second: Do you have any sugar daddy clients?
Taylor B. Jones – I do, but with those, I’m very selective with that just because with my time being so limited I’m very selective with the females that I coach. It’s crazy that they want to pay for services and they have to apply (laughs). I’m very selective just because with certain women, just like with men, I have to feel like “I see something in you” or that I’m very confident in what I can do for you to get the results that you’re seeking. With the men clients, how I get them is that they’ll come across my site, will read the material, and will be like “you’re spot on with men and these women have no idea how to get what they want from me.” They’ll be like “well, I don’t have the time, do you have someone that you know?” and from there I’ll consider taking them on as a client.
C.J. Asher – What advice do you have for sugar daddies in finding a sugar baby themselves and having a quality arrangement? How would it differ from the advice you would provide to a sugar baby?
Taylor B. Jones – It’s almost the same in a way. There are different types of men who say “you know what, I want to go this sugar baby route.” Some are going to be married and they don’t want to go to an escort because they have mixed views about seeing an escort and they want a sugar baby instead. These “john” types of sugar daddies would rather have more of a connection with someone which is why they don’t want to go to a local escort. Then you have a man who probably hasn’t had the best relationships and having a mutual relationship works because, he hasn’t had good relationships in his life. You also have men who are workaholics that don’t have time and would rather find someone that they can see consistently who has a better understanding of them. Then you have the ones that would like to give back and have a form of companionship with someone. When the sugar daddy knows who he is and what he’s looking for, they can easily attract that sugar baby. That married guy, he has to find someone that’s okay with that, but sometimes he might not tell his sugar baby. Just with any of the other types of relationships, that sugar daddy “john” type of relationship, he will work great for that woman who is seeking that “X” amount allowance because he used to going to his local escort and that’s the type of relationship he seeks. The sugar daddy has to have an understanding of how he wants to give because, for the sugar baby, it begins like a little bit of a game, like “I don’t really want to tell you what I want, but I’m here seeking a mutual relationship and if I ask you what I want you’re going to perceive me as a gold digger or an escort.” But that sugar daddy, he’s there for a reason. They both have to have an open communication about each other’s needs to make it work.
C.J. Asher – What is the most outlandish, over-the-top, extravagant requests that you’ve ever heard any one of your sugar baby clients has ever requested from or been asked for by a sugar daddy?
Taylor B. Jones – It’s not so much what I’ve heard, it’s what these women do (laughs). The number one thing men lie about is their income. The sugar baby meets him and winds up thinking that he’s the real deal. They put all their hopes into this guy thinking “well, I just messaged him, and he messaged me back, so the relationship just began” and their whole life is now going to change. They start thinking “I don’t have to work anymore,” so they start thinking about quitting their job and doing other foolish things. The most outrageous thing that I’ve heard of a woman doing was, after dating someone for only thirty days of him wining and dining her and buying her a car… well, it was his car but he leased it for her, he asked her to move in and she did that. He asked her to leave her job as well, even only after dating for just a month. She moves in, he was providing for an allowance, he paid everything and then, all of the sudden, he changes on her. So now she put herself in a position where she got rid of her car that was paid for, she’s in his leased vehicle that he provided for her and she’s under his roof. So now the relationship isn’t working, she has to find a job and move out. That is one of the most outrageous things that a girl has done to herself.
C.J. Asher – That’s terrible! In one sense you have to feel bad for her getting into that position, but on the other hand it seems like she should’ve looked out for making sure she took care of herself first.
Taylor B. Jones – Oh, absolutely! It’s one thing that, within this lifestyle, it seems great that you come across a man that would basically provide you the world and you believe it and you take his words to heart and then he starts displaying different behaviors. She thinks in the beginning “oh, he’s taking care of this, he leased me a car, I’m living at his place and the world is bright.” Relationships, even marriages, aren’t guaranteed. She just put herself in a situation where she should’ve looked out for herself and been more cautious with it because these relationships are never guaranteed. Even if you establish a relationship with a sugar daddy, who is to say in two or three months he might stop all communications with you? Now you’ve put your livelihood on another person and now you’re stuck in a situation where you probably wasn’t the best situation to begin with and now you’re in a worse position. It can be devastating to a woman such as the one I was talking about.
C.J. Asher – Okay, so what about your own experiences as a sugar baby?
Taylor B. Jones – As for my own experiences, I had met a guy online and when we started seeing each other I was like “oh, wow, I could actually see a relationship with him;” he was doing a lot of things for me. There wasn’t even any sex. In the third month we were together, every other weekend we were traveling somewhere. For me, this guy, he was doing these wonderful things so I asked him “why are you doing these things?” He responded with, “because I like you and I want to show my appreciation.” I thought that was pretty amazing that here I am, not even having sex with someone, but just because of how I make this person feel he does these things for me. I also provide them with something in return, but I take the time to get to know someone so that I can create amazing experiences with that person. That girl who went out on that date with you who pushed you for money could’ve instead created a amazing sugar daddy experience if she would’ve had my material because, with women, when they say “I’m spontaneous,” I respond with, “then you better do something spontaneous!” On that first date, I’m going to make this person fall in love with me to a degree (laughs). I’d literally do something spontaneous on that date because I’m going to be remembered. He’s not going to remember the restaurant but he’s going to remember how I made him feel. That’s the difference between me and another woman which I share with other sugar babies.